me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
You Might Also Like
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell