I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
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Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels