You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
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[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.