Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
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All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I gave up going to work for lent.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”