What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
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I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.