The second world war should have been called world war returns
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BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore