MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
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If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
oh u like geography? name every lake
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night