They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
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People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.