Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
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[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.