Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
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People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
This cat wants you to take your pills
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Try and stop me.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.