According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
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To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
me when the borders lift
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
I just love that new Pope smell.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”