In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
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*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
“The Perfect Relationship”
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I have a new favorite meme page
My life in a nutshell
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????