I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
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Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.