*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
You Might Also Like
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
My dad is at it again
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.