Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
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Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I put the hot in psychotic.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho