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Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.