Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
The A string on my guit_r is flat
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
me 2 months after i graduated
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.