Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
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I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that