Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
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Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming