Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
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back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
first you must answer his riddles
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?