my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
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You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.