why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
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I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
can’t catch a break
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages