Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
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I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
This is Sparta
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.