[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
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I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Boom, boom, ching!
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
not for long
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?