friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
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Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Boy never ceases to amaze me
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham