Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
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My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.