Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
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Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?