Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
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Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
RT if you could go either way.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷