I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
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13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
this is funnier than any friends episode
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.