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“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot