Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
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The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Investing in beetcoin
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Dammit Chief not again
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.