“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
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FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.