The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
You Might Also Like
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Education is vital
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.