Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
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Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
What’s a Messi?
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
we’re dead?