I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
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Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.