You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
You Might Also Like
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Natty or not?
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”