If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
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*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
The absolute effort that went into this omg
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
🤣dope
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.