As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
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like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I enjoy a good short stor
Livid.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.