What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
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My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
These are too funny not to post 😂
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom