[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
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We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.