The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
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Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly