Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
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So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”