I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
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Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
[eulogy]
line?
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.