I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
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i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”