The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
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Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.