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We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.