Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
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Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
When someone says you are so lazy
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]