I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
You Might Also Like
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……