relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
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Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see