[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
You Might Also Like
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Simple
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.